I have come to write several times this week, and turn away from the computer. I am overcome with grief and despair, wrapped up in guilt and anger. On Monday, my mother passed away after nearly 90 years on this earth. She missed her 90th birthday by 1 month and 5 days. I was holding her hand as she make her hard journey from her earthly home to her heavenly home. The last 2 years had seen her not so gradual decline of her body. So hard for those of us who love her, hardest for her. The undignified happenings of immobility, loss of body functions, and just plain old age. She maintained her stoic Norwegian demeanor until the very last. "I'm OK" were probably her last words spoken to my baby brother about 2 weeks ago.
The burden of arrangements, funeral and gatherings have fallen upon my sister and brother, as they live in our hometown. My baby brother and I live hours away, making it hard to "be there". Therein lies my guilt. I want to be there too, but have obligations at home in these next few days. We have moved my mother-in-law from her home to a retirement center in our town. So now we have added responsibilities, financial and physical.
I am still trying to read Fall of Giants by Ken Follett. It is a great story, but a large heavy book. Everytime I start to read, I get sleepy. Almost done listening to Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte. I am enjoying it too, have been following along with a paper copy. That is fun, to hear and read the old English words. I am determined to get back to being ME. !!!!